Here is a guest post from a friend going through a rough patch. No judging! Enjoy.
Can I just go back to sleep? Bc there’s nothing for me today. Ugh I hate everyone right now. My mind is such a mess right now. And I don’t think watching 8 hours of Dexter really helps. At least he has a release. And a job. Just a job would be nice right now. How do I not have a job? Seriously. Wtf. How does my husband not have a job? I feel so bad hating him so much sometimes. I hate that when I sit down to write, my head just goes blank. Maybe I should sit down to write more often so my brain would stfu. I need to write a story about someone who hurts people. I need to get every inner emotion out, no matter how repressed or fucked up it is. I hate this constant feeling of never being good enough. I hate being hungry so often. I hate how I romanticize, like, everything. Kids shouldn’t be taught that. Life isn’t romantic or sweet and no one really deserves anything just for being alive. Jesus. I hate being so negative. Part of me really wants to be a suzy homemaker and clean our house perfectly and make 3 meals a day and wear a blue gingham apron and have Tupperware parties with perfect little hors d'oeuvres and a CLEAN HOUSE. Who fuckin knows. I don’t even know what my dream is. Is that what I really want? Maybe. On an episode of Dexter, he decides he just wants to be content and lead a normal life. And at first that didn’t seem very appealing to me. Sounded boring. Then, after really mauling it over for a minute, I decided that yes, that’s what I want. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to just be content for once? To not just want want want want. For once, I don’t want to shoot for the moon and land in the stars or whatever. I want to get the job done and let that be adequate. Dear parents: thanks for making me this shitty under-achieving over-achiever that can quite get it right.
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Showing posts with label bla bla bla. Show all posts
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
This Is Not Possible
I am so bored! This is terrible and I'm going crazy sitting here every single day and night. Don't get me wrong, I love watching endless episodes of The Office. And I love living in constant vacation mode, but I think I might start pulling my hair soon.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Hey, It's Monday!
I paid bills today. That was the first thing I accomplished this morning. Then I went to school and took a Philosophy test. I started a new medication last week so I'm still figuring out how it's working and affecting me. Who knows.
Anyway, our test was pretty straight forward and my sister and I found a good way to remember everything for it. We decided to relate the info to things in our lives. For instance, we were studying Hysteria and what the traits were for someone who had it. We could really only think of one person who had, and I'm not kidding, pretty much every single trait on the list. So after discussing these details, we decided to perform a social experiment on this person. For our own sick pleasure, of course. Because, y'know, why not? We will be tracking this person's every move, emotion, snarky remark, shitty look, but more scientifically, every hysterical trait that he/SHE may (absolutely) possess. We live in a constant vacation; we need to entertain ourselves somehow.
Geesh, what else. There is seriously nothing going on right now. And it's driving me insane. Oh, okay, here's something. I'm trying to get into freelance writing and it's, big surprise, not as easy as I thought it would be. I really enjoy writing and I think I can write on several different topics so if you come across anything, please let me know! I've applied for a few different jobs but nothing has really come of it so far. I've been checking my email more obsessively than I normally do and it's really starting to bum me out. I actually just checked it, just now, and got denied. Sad.
Well I should wrap up this boring post with a quick shout out to someone I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my fiancee. Smile :) He moved out here with me and we're living with my parents right now and he's been such a trooper! My family is not easy to live with and we have zero privacy. He sold his car before we left so we could have money to move and pay MY bills. Of course he's been a little fussy here and there but who wouldn't be under these circumstances? I know I would be a psycho if the tables were turned. But, then again, his family situation is WAY different than mine. (Lucky) Kidding! (Not Really)
Until I have something relevant to say,
September
Anyway, our test was pretty straight forward and my sister and I found a good way to remember everything for it. We decided to relate the info to things in our lives. For instance, we were studying Hysteria and what the traits were for someone who had it. We could really only think of one person who had, and I'm not kidding, pretty much every single trait on the list. So after discussing these details, we decided to perform a social experiment on this person. For our own sick pleasure, of course. Because, y'know, why not? We will be tracking this person's every move, emotion, snarky remark, shitty look, but more scientifically, every hysterical trait that he/SHE may (absolutely) possess. We live in a constant vacation; we need to entertain ourselves somehow.
Geesh, what else. There is seriously nothing going on right now. And it's driving me insane. Oh, okay, here's something. I'm trying to get into freelance writing and it's, big surprise, not as easy as I thought it would be. I really enjoy writing and I think I can write on several different topics so if you come across anything, please let me know! I've applied for a few different jobs but nothing has really come of it so far. I've been checking my email more obsessively than I normally do and it's really starting to bum me out. I actually just checked it, just now, and got denied. Sad.
Well I should wrap up this boring post with a quick shout out to someone I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my fiancee. Smile :) He moved out here with me and we're living with my parents right now and he's been such a trooper! My family is not easy to live with and we have zero privacy. He sold his car before we left so we could have money to move and pay MY bills. Of course he's been a little fussy here and there but who wouldn't be under these circumstances? I know I would be a psycho if the tables were turned. But, then again, his family situation is WAY different than mine. (Lucky) Kidding! (Not Really)
Until I have something relevant to say,
September
Monday, July 6, 2009
I just found this in the dirt
Story time! I was walking along the road today and I found this crumpled piece of paper resting beside a daisy.. Of course I picked up this seemingly innocent piece of garbage because I'm very Earth conscious (or maybe just nosey).. I found some peace in reading the thoughts scribbled on the page and thought I'd share. I'm sure we've all had a day like this person has. Enjoy!
"I feel like my life is someone else's stupid joke. Yeah well FU whoever's laughing because it's not funny. My boss is such a dick. I wish I could tell him to go F himself ... and throw that ugly Coach bag in his face. "Hey (boss) F OFF. You're not hot. You're a douche" He's so gross and totally ruins the case to date hot guys....Fucker. I want those glasses from Urban Outfitters that say that on them then send them to (boss) for his birthday. "Hey Happy Birthday Fucker". Yesterday was all down hill after work and since (bf) was actually really nice I'll have to take it all out on (boss) today. So Fuck him for screwing up school for me and making my dad leave again and for (bf) not taking me to his LAN party and let's not forget - my hours! Dickhole. I'd like to see him try to survive on less than $200/week. I mean, don't get me wrong - That's a more than fair wage in a 3rd world country. So maybe I should just STFU and be greatful. As I sit here and have ramen noodles for dinner..."
The rest was pretty torn up and I could barely read it. But you get the jist... I'm sure we've all had a boss like that who only cares about himself and days like that when things just don't go your way. I hope this disgruntled author has a better day coming up soon. For now, I will be thankful for the wonderful boss I have and all of the things he's done to help me out. Thanks BOSS!
"I feel like my life is someone else's stupid joke. Yeah well FU whoever's laughing because it's not funny. My boss is such a dick. I wish I could tell him to go F himself ... and throw that ugly Coach bag in his face. "Hey (boss) F OFF. You're not hot. You're a douche" He's so gross and totally ruins the case to date hot guys....Fucker. I want those glasses from Urban Outfitters that say that on them then send them to (boss) for his birthday. "Hey Happy Birthday Fucker". Yesterday was all down hill after work and since (bf) was actually really nice I'll have to take it all out on (boss) today. So Fuck him for screwing up school for me and making my dad leave again and for (bf) not taking me to his LAN party and let's not forget - my hours! Dickhole. I'd like to see him try to survive on less than $200/week. I mean, don't get me wrong - That's a more than fair wage in a 3rd world country. So maybe I should just STFU and be greatful. As I sit here and have ramen noodles for dinner..."
The rest was pretty torn up and I could barely read it. But you get the jist... I'm sure we've all had a boss like that who only cares about himself and days like that when things just don't go your way. I hope this disgruntled author has a better day coming up soon. For now, I will be thankful for the wonderful boss I have and all of the things he's done to help me out. Thanks BOSS!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
UPDATE
Hi. I wanted to let you know that I lasted 3 days without eating meat. Then I had Taco Bell (Nachos, 2 soft tacos and a chicken chalupa supreme). Surprisingly, it wasn't as good as I had been anticipating. I'm sure you've all had this experience.
I'm currently on my lunch break at work; I had ramen noodles again. It's 400 calories for the whole packet and 9 WW points. I had a whole wheat english muffin with strawberries and cream cheese for breakfast (YUM!). I eat the healthiest while I'm here because I'm so preoccupied with work instead of food, go figure!
I'm working on my sister's graduation party this week. I'm doing the decorations and couple surprises here and there. I think she might read this blog from time to time so I won't spoil anything just yet. We will be having BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, a chocolate fountain with fruit, tea sandwiches, cookies, mini WW brownies, and a picture cake! I'm so excited for her! I cried at her graduation ceremony. I couldn't even wait until they said her name, I was already falling apart! My roommate (bf) knew enough to just let me be and rubbed my back a little in support. The little sister, on the other hand, stared at me and kept asking what was wrong with my face. I used to call the middle sister "my little sister." She used to be so much smaller than me and need protecting. Not anymore! Now, she's taller than me and has her own little sister to keep track of. I can't help but to tear up at the thought of her growing up. I'll post a couple pictures when I get home. For now, you're all invited to attend:
I'm currently on my lunch break at work; I had ramen noodles again. It's 400 calories for the whole packet and 9 WW points. I had a whole wheat english muffin with strawberries and cream cheese for breakfast (YUM!). I eat the healthiest while I'm here because I'm so preoccupied with work instead of food, go figure!
I'm working on my sister's graduation party this week. I'm doing the decorations and couple surprises here and there. I think she might read this blog from time to time so I won't spoil anything just yet. We will be having BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, a chocolate fountain with fruit, tea sandwiches, cookies, mini WW brownies, and a picture cake! I'm so excited for her! I cried at her graduation ceremony. I couldn't even wait until they said her name, I was already falling apart! My roommate (bf) knew enough to just let me be and rubbed my back a little in support. The little sister, on the other hand, stared at me and kept asking what was wrong with my face. I used to call the middle sister "my little sister." She used to be so much smaller than me and need protecting. Not anymore! Now, she's taller than me and has her own little sister to keep track of. I can't help but to tear up at the thought of her growing up. I'll post a couple pictures when I get home. For now, you're all invited to attend:
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My Wish Is Everyone's Wish
I'm sick of feeling "fat". I'm not really obese, I mean, I'm not obese at all really. I'm just not too tall so any weight I have on me looks (feels) like too much. Anyway, so I'm sick of bitching about it and not recognizing myself in the mirror. I tried (totally half-ass) to stick with Weight Watchers and it was actually very helpful in determining portion sizes. I want to try to do the vegetarian thing for a while and see how that goes. Now, I want to make something perfectly clear: I LOVE TO EAT MEAT AND I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTING PETA. They're crazy. I'm just trying to create a healthier lifestyle for myself. I'm not cutting out milk or cottage cheese because I'm a woman and I need calcium in a natural form (not from vitamins). So right now I'm at about 135/140 and I'm 5' 4". I'll keep you posted on my progress (as if you care! I'm really just using you, internet, as a way to keep track of how I'm doing. Sorry.) I didn't have any meat today but I did have a little bit of milk and cheese. And maybe a Nutella Crepe at Ihop. But I did have a Diet Dew so that makes up for it, right? Yeah. It does.
Moving on. My sister recently shared some of her feelings regarding our upcoming journey across the country. I do share some of her feelings but I am in a different phase in my life, therefore, my feelings are a little different. I am scared to leave. I'll admit it. I'm scared that I won't fit in AT ALL in L.A. I don't really feel at home here, so how could I feel at home in a place where most of my insecurities would be on display for all to judge. For example, I have clear skin. Not "clear" as in a nice complexion, "clear" as in ZERO PIGMENT and you can see my organ systems working. Also, as mentioned above, I'm not in any kind of physical shape to be wearing shorts and stuff. There's a laundry list of issues I'm having so I'll stop there. I'm sure you get the idea. I'm sad to leave because this place has been the only stability I've had in my life and I'm comfortable in this slump I've created. I'm overjoyed at the thought of leaving here and never looking back, though. I'm not worried that I will fail in CA because it can't be worse than never really trying in the first place. I used to be terrified of failure and have this mindset that everyone expected me to be perfect. I would stress myself out at a young age trying to do everything perfect and trying to make everyone happy. Well, several therapists and breakdowns later, I realize that's not possible. To say the least. I have to be okay with failing as long as I know in my heart that I tried my hardest. Defense mechanisms be damned!
I'll have to stop there because the Dew is wearing off and it's 1 am and I should be at work on time tomorrow. Thanks for listening, or at least skimming. We'll talk soon.
Love, September
Moving on. My sister recently shared some of her feelings regarding our upcoming journey across the country. I do share some of her feelings but I am in a different phase in my life, therefore, my feelings are a little different. I am scared to leave. I'll admit it. I'm scared that I won't fit in AT ALL in L.A. I don't really feel at home here, so how could I feel at home in a place where most of my insecurities would be on display for all to judge. For example, I have clear skin. Not "clear" as in a nice complexion, "clear" as in ZERO PIGMENT and you can see my organ systems working. Also, as mentioned above, I'm not in any kind of physical shape to be wearing shorts and stuff. There's a laundry list of issues I'm having so I'll stop there. I'm sure you get the idea. I'm sad to leave because this place has been the only stability I've had in my life and I'm comfortable in this slump I've created. I'm overjoyed at the thought of leaving here and never looking back, though. I'm not worried that I will fail in CA because it can't be worse than never really trying in the first place. I used to be terrified of failure and have this mindset that everyone expected me to be perfect. I would stress myself out at a young age trying to do everything perfect and trying to make everyone happy. Well, several therapists and breakdowns later, I realize that's not possible. To say the least. I have to be okay with failing as long as I know in my heart that I tried my hardest. Defense mechanisms be damned!
I'll have to stop there because the Dew is wearing off and it's 1 am and I should be at work on time tomorrow. Thanks for listening, or at least skimming. We'll talk soon.
Love, September
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Late Start
What's up Internet? I hope you had a nutritious breakfast to get your day started on the right track. I, for the first time ever, had an omelet. Kind of. I got the recipe out of this month's Cosmo (I know, isn't it crazy that they have something actually useful in there for once instead of some "69 Tips On How To Blow Your Bf's Dad" bullshit??). Anyway, you take 4 eggs (1 yolk, 4 whites) and add peppers and tomatoes. I hate tomatoes, and normally vegetables in general, so I finely chopped up some red peppers, green peppers and onions and fried it in the pan with the eggs and some olive oil spray. Verdict: YUM! I have been making a point to eat more vegetables lately so this was a huge step for me! Moving on... I get a few magazine subscriptions for free and, besides Cosmo, I also get Body+Soul. I love it! It took a couple issues to warm me up, but I really like it now. It has a lot of practical tips and ideas and lots of interesting articles. Some of the recipes are a little too...I'll say "healthy" for me but I guess I could work up to that one day.
Let's see, what else...Oh I made small To Do list for today to get the ball rolling on getting ready to move. Aqui:
-Pick out what gets sold in the garage sale: Andre's desk, chess table, my desk?, tv stands, futon, iron bed, dressers, wine glasses
-Go through clothes in the "storage room": what gets tossed, washed, and thrown out
-Get Aunt Julie's books ready for Ebay (My great-aunt gave us all of her books when she moved into her apartment. Tons of great books including at least 1 first edition! That doesn't get sold though)
-Filing/scanning files to put on disc
We'll also be cancelling cable soon. All of our favorite finales are over so we don't need cable anymore anyway. We'll be keeping the Internets of course (can't live without Hulu!). Well I better get to work if I ever expect to actually finish this list. Which, realistically, I won't. But I learned in Body+Soul that it's ok to take it easy and go at my own pace...great advice for a lifetime procrastinator and chronic ADD sufferer. I'm keeping a positive attitude though.
Well have fun with the rest of your Saturday, Internet. I'll be nearby if you need anything.
Toodles, September
Let's see, what else...Oh I made small To Do list for today to get the ball rolling on getting ready to move. Aqui:
-Pick out what gets sold in the garage sale: Andre's desk, chess table, my desk?, tv stands, futon, iron bed, dressers, wine glasses
-Go through clothes in the "storage room": what gets tossed, washed, and thrown out
-Get Aunt Julie's books ready for Ebay (My great-aunt gave us all of her books when she moved into her apartment. Tons of great books including at least 1 first edition! That doesn't get sold though)
-Filing/scanning files to put on disc
We'll also be cancelling cable soon. All of our favorite finales are over so we don't need cable anymore anyway. We'll be keeping the Internets of course (can't live without Hulu!). Well I better get to work if I ever expect to actually finish this list. Which, realistically, I won't. But I learned in Body+Soul that it's ok to take it easy and go at my own pace...great advice for a lifetime procrastinator and chronic ADD sufferer. I'm keeping a positive attitude though.
Well have fun with the rest of your Saturday, Internet. I'll be nearby if you need anything.
Toodles, September
Monday, May 11, 2009
I Guess I'm Moving Too
So the roommate and I have thought a lot about it and we're going to move to CA with my dad! I have no idea on any solid details yet but I need something, anything, to look forward to right now!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Just a Few Things - Pt. 1
Hi, how are you? How was your day? I hope you ate something healthy. I just wanted to mention a few things that have been on my mind lately...
A. I read this blog regularly called Dooce because it's writer is so ... I don't know, honest? She's great, her blog is such a relief to read during the day. And it always amazes me when she posts things her readers send to her that are negative. I can't think of anything negative to say about anything she's ever written or photographed, but some people just pick her apart. It's sad, it's rude and so unnecessary. What kind of person would go out of their way just to bring someone down? I'm sure it's the same kind of people that will cut you off and slow down or the people who will sit there bitch about things they can easily change. Whatever. I heart you Heather Armstrong of Dooce. Those nasty readers can suck it.
B. I love South Park. Call me immature, but it's hilarious and smart (believe it or not). Right now it's in its off-season and Comedy Central is airing re-runs. Up until the other night I was under the impression that I had seen every single episode. I was so wrong. There was one that I hadn't seen and my roommate (my boyfriend) admitted that he was trying to shield me from it. You see, Internet, we don't know each other very well yet but soon enough you will come to learn that I am a HUGE fan of a select few celebrities. They are: Victoria Beckham, Christian Bale, and Britney Spears. I will defend these people whom I've never met until the bitter end. Anyway, this episode was all about Britney. It, very accurately, explained the way she is treated by the media. That's all I will say about it because it made me so upset. Britney's a person too, she's a regular person who makes mistakes and breathes in and out. I wish some people would understand that and let her live her friggin life. So There.
Okay I'm tired and it's time for me to take a shower and go to bed. I also didn't take my new medicine this morning so I haven't really been bangin' on all cylinders today. I was kind of a mess, which makes me very happy because now I know for sure that I do need this medicine and I'm not just taking it to lose weight. But that is an awesome perk. So, have a good night and sweet dreams! I will see you in the a.m. (figuratively of course - you shouldn't start stalking me this early in the relationship) :))
A. I read this blog regularly called Dooce because it's writer is so ... I don't know, honest? She's great, her blog is such a relief to read during the day. And it always amazes me when she posts things her readers send to her that are negative. I can't think of anything negative to say about anything she's ever written or photographed, but some people just pick her apart. It's sad, it's rude and so unnecessary. What kind of person would go out of their way just to bring someone down? I'm sure it's the same kind of people that will cut you off and slow down or the people who will sit there bitch about things they can easily change. Whatever. I heart you Heather Armstrong of Dooce. Those nasty readers can suck it.
B. I love South Park. Call me immature, but it's hilarious and smart (believe it or not). Right now it's in its off-season and Comedy Central is airing re-runs. Up until the other night I was under the impression that I had seen every single episode. I was so wrong. There was one that I hadn't seen and my roommate (my boyfriend) admitted that he was trying to shield me from it. You see, Internet, we don't know each other very well yet but soon enough you will come to learn that I am a HUGE fan of a select few celebrities. They are: Victoria Beckham, Christian Bale, and Britney Spears. I will defend these people whom I've never met until the bitter end. Anyway, this episode was all about Britney. It, very accurately, explained the way she is treated by the media. That's all I will say about it because it made me so upset. Britney's a person too, she's a regular person who makes mistakes and breathes in and out. I wish some people would understand that and let her live her friggin life. So There.
Okay I'm tired and it's time for me to take a shower and go to bed. I also didn't take my new medicine this morning so I haven't really been bangin' on all cylinders today. I was kind of a mess, which makes me very happy because now I know for sure that I do need this medicine and I'm not just taking it to lose weight. But that is an awesome perk. So, have a good night and sweet dreams! I will see you in the a.m. (figuratively of course - you shouldn't start stalking me this early in the relationship) :))
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