Sunday, August 29, 2010

Cities I want to live in:

--New Bedford, MA + Boston, MA
--Atlanta, GA
--New York, NY
--LA feels like home
--Just visit Chicago

Not Enough Sunshine for a Sunday Morning

Here is a guest post from a friend going through a rough patch. No judging! Enjoy.

Can I just go back to sleep? Bc there’s nothing for me today. Ugh I hate everyone right now. My mind is such a mess right now. And I don’t think watching 8 hours of Dexter really helps. At least he has a release. And a job. Just a job would be nice right now. How do I not have a job? Seriously. Wtf. How does my husband not have a job? I feel so bad hating him so much sometimes. I hate that when I sit down to write, my head just goes blank. Maybe I should sit down to write more often so my brain would stfu. I need to write a story about someone who hurts people. I need to get every inner emotion out, no matter how repressed or fucked up it is. I hate this constant feeling of never being good enough. I hate being hungry so often. I hate how I romanticize, like, everything. Kids shouldn’t be taught that. Life isn’t romantic or sweet and no one really deserves anything just for being alive. Jesus. I hate being so negative. Part of me really wants to be a suzy homemaker and clean our house perfectly and make 3 meals a day and wear a blue gingham apron and have Tupperware parties with perfect little hors d'oeuvres and a CLEAN HOUSE. Who fuckin knows. I don’t even know what my dream is. Is that what I really want? Maybe. On an episode of Dexter, he decides he just wants to be content and lead a normal life. And at first that didn’t seem very appealing to me. Sounded boring. Then, after really mauling it over for a minute, I decided that yes, that’s what I want. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to just be content for once? To not just want want want want. For once, I don’t want to shoot for the moon and land in the stars or whatever. I want to get the job done and let that be adequate. Dear parents: thanks for making me this shitty under-achieving over-achiever that can quite get it right.