Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Wish Is Everyone's Wish

I'm sick of feeling "fat". I'm not really obese, I mean, I'm not obese at all really. I'm just not too tall so any weight I have on me looks (feels) like too much. Anyway, so I'm sick of bitching about it and not recognizing myself in the mirror. I tried (totally half-ass) to stick with Weight Watchers and it was actually very helpful in determining portion sizes. I want to try to do the vegetarian thing for a while and see how that goes. Now, I want to make something perfectly clear: I LOVE TO EAT MEAT AND I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTING PETA. They're crazy. I'm just trying to create a healthier lifestyle for myself. I'm not cutting out milk or cottage cheese because I'm a woman and I need calcium in a natural form (not from vitamins). So right now I'm at about 135/140 and I'm 5' 4". I'll keep you posted on my progress (as if you care! I'm really just using you, internet, as a way to keep track of how I'm doing. Sorry.) I didn't have any meat today but I did have a little bit of milk and cheese. And maybe a Nutella Crepe at Ihop. But I did have a Diet Dew so that makes up for it, right? Yeah. It does.

Moving on. My sister recently shared some of her feelings regarding our upcoming journey across the country. I do share some of her feelings but I am in a different phase in my life, therefore, my feelings are a little different. I am scared to leave. I'll admit it. I'm scared that I won't fit in AT ALL in L.A. I don't really feel at home here, so how could I feel at home in a place where most of my insecurities would be on display for all to judge. For example, I have clear skin. Not "clear" as in a nice complexion, "clear" as in ZERO PIGMENT and you can see my organ systems working. Also, as mentioned above, I'm not in any kind of physical shape to be wearing shorts and stuff. There's a laundry list of issues I'm having so I'll stop there. I'm sure you get the idea. I'm sad to leave because this place has been the only stability I've had in my life and I'm comfortable in this slump I've created. I'm overjoyed at the thought of leaving here and never looking back, though. I'm not worried that I will fail in CA because it can't be worse than never really trying in the first place. I used to be terrified of failure and have this mindset that everyone expected me to be perfect. I would stress myself out at a young age trying to do everything perfect and trying to make everyone happy. Well, several therapists and breakdowns later, I realize that's not possible. To say the least. I have to be okay with failing as long as I know in my heart that I tried my hardest. Defense mechanisms be damned!

I'll have to stop there because the Dew is wearing off and it's 1 am and I should be at work on time tomorrow. Thanks for listening, or at least skimming. We'll talk soon.

Love, September

No comments:

Post a Comment