Monday, February 16, 2009
Long story short about my Valentines Day: I didn’t get the ring. I did get a card. And laughed at. It was never about the ring itself; it was about not feeling like I’ve wasted the past 4 years of my life. I can’t even really think about it because I hate the feeling I get when I try to process all of the sh*t we've been through. Right now I’m crushed. My world is very grey and foggy and I don't know where to turn to next. It doesn’t make sense that I would feel that way since he’s the only person that doesn’t/hasn’t made me feel special; I feel worthless – all of the time. Most of the time it’s subtle things that I don’t notice until I stop and I’m like “wtf?? That’s not right, why are you doing this?” but then he acts like I’m overreacting and I can’t tell if I am or not. I thought I was a good person, I had all of these ideas on how a relationship was supposed to work and none of that is true in real life. I just want to know what is right. I want to know if it’s me. I mean, is it all in my hands to not feel worthless? Is it all on me to do the things I want us to do together, alone? And, why is it that I feel so empowered reading stories of women who left their husbands/boyfriends/lives behind and started over brand new with a new life? Everything was so hard for them but they came out a better, happier person after it was all over. I’m just confused. I set a deadline and promised myself I would leave if it wasn't met. Not only was it not met, it was made a joke of. My heart, my feelings, goals, plans for our life together, was all brushed off and his concentration was moved to a new 47" High Def TV. Really? Am I that easily dismissible? Do I have any self-respect left at all now? It's sad that one person who makes such a tiny and seemingly insignificant effect on the world can completely tear down mine.